A Most Unlikely Moon Cancer
by NeonZangetsu
Summary: WHO SAID I DESTROYED THE MOON! I only ever fought up there! Once! I didn't break the blasted thing!And how does that put me in this class! Its libel! Slander! I'll sue! Eh? Whaddya mean I'm being summoned? No! I don't wanna! Don't you DARE make me a Grand Servant! I have no interest in fighting another war! Heads will roll for this! Narutoxharem. Humor abounds. Vote via review!
1. A Most Unlikely Moon Cancer

**A/N: HA! DOUBLE UPDATE! Now, I'm off to work a double.**

**Looking forward to your reviews when I get back!**

**I just wanted to say...thank you.**

**For everything. **

**Thank you to those who brought me back from the brink. I don't think some of you realize just how bad it got for a bit there. Thank to all those who review so faithfully, and thank you for all these kinds words.**

**And to my deractors-those who say I'm overdoing it and wasting time-I say this:**

**(Temptress) and (Moon Cancer) will be the last two new stories. I have a bunch of updates ready to shoot out of the gate, but these two stories are important to the overarching plot of things, so its is IMPORTANT that they come out beforehand.**

** Well, taking another risk here, given that people don't know much about Fate Extra and its games...**

**...but risks are my thing these days, eh?**

**Someone was kind enough to point out why Naruto could fit into this class. I didn't believe them at first, then I went back and watched Naruto: The Last.**

***cackles***

**And the best part is? He's not even to blame for it. Ought to be fun watching him squirm.**

**If you're not familiar with Fate Extra, that's fine. But**** KNOW most of you know who BB-as well as her lookalikes-and Kiara are. Their popularity is sodding absurd, especially that of a certain giant girl with a penchant for saying "Gao~!" in an adorable voice.**

**Appearance-wise, this Naruto is from the Last Movie, all his abilities, and then some.**

**The difference being he doesn't take kindly to being bossed around...**

**...or his newfound title as a GRAND Servant.**

_"What are you?"_

_"I am the answer. An eye for an eye._

_Tooth for a tooth. __Evil for evil. Pain for pain._

_A virus to destroy a virus. __Cancer to counter the same cancer."_

_~Moon Cancer._

**A Most Unlikely Moon Cancer**

_WHO THE HELL SAID I DESTROYED THE MOON?! I'LL HANG 'EM!_

_Yes, I may fought that bastard Toneri up there, and I but its not like I wanted to! He started it! Him! Not me! I never wanted to go up there in the first place! I was quite happy on earth before his shenanigans started, thankyouverymuch! Then he had to come down on his high horse and start everything. Really, the world would've been a much better place if he'd just stayed in his castle and left well enough alone. __Although, come to think of it, if he hadn't done anything, if he hadn't kidnapped Hinata, I probably wouldn't have realized...h__mm._

_Still!_

_I didn't destroy the moon! When did that damn dirty rumor start?! I never tried to cut the moon in half! That was him! I mean sure, I put a few craters in the moon, maybe even carved a few new...holes...while we were fighting. Then Kurama was busy wrecking that damn golem..._and_ when I finally knocked that green bastard out I may have made a really big crater that you could see...all the way...from earth..._

_..._

_..._

_..._

_...DAMNIT!_

_Fair enough. _

_I concede the point._

_I may have damaged the moon in my lifetime. But it didn't break it! I swear! It was still up there when I died. As far as I'm concerned that makes me innocent._

_What?_

_It broke after I passed away? __How is that my fault?! No! I call bullshit!_

_And how does that put me in this class?! Its libel! Slander! I'll sue!_

_Eh? What? Whaddya mean I'm being summoned? _

_Don't you DARE make me a Grand Servant!_

_Heads will roll for this!_

* * *

(...0o0o0...)

* * *

_"Bad girl~!"_

BB jerked upright with a yelp as a stern hand descended on her had in a ruthless chop without warning.

"Ow! What was that for?!"

Pain blazed behind her eyes as she stumbled away, yet when she turned to lash out with her wand, someone snatched it away. Another such chop raised a second welt on her head, followed by a third. And a fourth. Each time she tried to muster herself, gather her reserves and strike, she found another blow their to stun her. It didn't so much hurt as it did sting; with each successive strike she found her eyes spinning.

"Stop, stop, stop!" she wailed, clutching her head! "Oppression! This is _kouhai_ opression! At least let me get a good look at you, whoever you are!"

"Fine, fine, just don't cry...

A loud yawn answered and she twitched.

Remarkably, the stern-yet-incessant chops chose that moment to cease.

Through teary eyes she glimpsed a stern yet fair face gazing back at her, utterly unfazed by both her tirade and the grid in which she'd ensconced herself.

How did he even get into her throne room anyway?!

Bar a bandaged arm-the wrapped knuckles of which told her all she needed to know-he looked quite harmless, really. All black and orange, bright and flashy, impossible to miss. His eyes told another story. For all his lazy slouching and constant yawning, those eerie azure orbs were still windows to the data of the soul and his _frightened _her. Sharp and slitted bloody blue sapphires framed by a tangled mess of spiky blond, they watched her every move, never once letting her out of sight for even a moment.

"Hey there," he loosed another jaw-popping yawn that just MADE her feel sleepy. "You're the anomaly, right?"

When she didn't immediately respond, he gave a bleary blink and shook his head.

"Could I just ask you to leave? Wanna get back to my nap, you know."

BB didn't take kindly to being bossed about, let along someone stealing her wand. She never had, and told the intruder as much, in two words. Care to guess what those crude words were, dear reader? You get a cookie if you win.

Naturally, BB's first instinct was to attack when threatened, and thus, she did.

It did not go the way she expected.

"Give me back my wand, you dirty thief!"

Those eerie blue eyes narrowed. "Let me think about-no."

In a single seamless movement a ringed staff lashed out and swept her feet to send her tumbling to the floor like a broken doll. Even as she tried to call upon one of her skills and evade, that same silent staff stabbed out, smashing its blunt edge against her stomach. Wind gushed out of her lungs-so this is pain-and she caught herself doubling over for the merest moments. An empty palm crashed into her forehead, snapping her head back as she crashed into the ground.

A high, frustrated hiss escaped her mouth. "I...you...just stop! Stop for a second! Who are you?!"

"I am the answer to you." the newcomer intoned. An eye for an eye. Tooth for a tooth. Evil for evil. Pain for pain. A virus to destroy a virus. Cancer to counter the same cancer."

Something stilled in BB's chest.

"Moon Cancer?" she exclaimed in abject disbelief._ "You?_ Don't make me laugh!"

"Well. Just rude, that is. Would you kindly fuck off, then?" a note of anger entered Naruto's voice as he propped himself up on his ringed staff. "Trust me, it would be best for the both of us if you just stopped...whatever it is you're trying to do. I'm uniquely equipped by the Moon Cell to handle your shenanigans."

"I think not." BB growled. "Girls!"

In a flash, she prepared to summon reinforcements.

Even with the impending arrival two members of the Sakura Five, he didn't blink. Didn't bat so much as an eyelash. His brow merely furrowed, a finite fracture of irritation slipping through the sleepy facade. Still clutching her wand, he raised it high and broke it over his knee. In the same moment his staff rose and fell, arcing towards Meltlilith and Passion Lip in a single graceful curving arc of motion. They'd only just appeared before they vanished once again, fading back from whence they had come.

The advanced AI shrank back. "I...you...what did you do?!"

"Sent them somewhere else." the Servant yawned, regarding the faded data. "They're still alive, but I didn't feel like dealing with them. Too troublesome, you know? Now its your turn. Moon Cell wants me to make an example of you."

BB flew at him with a shriek.

So be it, then! If he though she couldn't defend herself without her wand then he was going to be _sorely_ mistaken!

Her false bravado made her defeat sting all the more. Scarce had she closed with him than he flicked her in the forehead. Even as she reeled he swept her legs-again!-leaving her airborne for a single horrific movement. In that moment his staff vanished. In the next-a single fluid breeze-she found herself draped over his knees. Her short-lived assault had lasted all of two-point-five seconds before she'd been bested. Somehow the knowledge that she'd been completely and utterly humiliated galled her more than the wounds he'd dealt her.

How little she knew.

"Let go of me!" she thrashed against him! "This is cheating!"

One arm pinned her; while the other swung back at near ponderous speed.

"Nope." Naruto hummed happily. "This is what they call...payback."

BB felt her eyes widen, and a small tiny part of her soul began to quiver. He wasn't-he _wouldn't._

He did.

With sound and aplomb his bandaged palm cracked against BB's backside with enough force to make the copy physically spasm in his lap. Her body jerked with a yelp, a hot rush of shame flooding her cheeks. As if to add insult to injury, her fellow Moon Cancer clicked his tongue and reprimanded with a stern:

"Bad girl."

His hand swooped.

"Hey! Stoppit! Cut that out!"

Another slap followed, eliciting a yelp.

"Bad girl!"

"Will you STOP?! This is embarrassing you know! Harassment!"

Something was wrong here; something was amiss, though she knew not what.

With each strike she she shrank smaller still, lost more of herself, forfeited the power she once wielded. Frantic thoughts fragmented further. Became younger. He ruthlessly stripped away her authority-but thankfully left her clothes to shift and change with her and thus very much intact-as he took her power for himself. And just when she realized she was looking up at him, that he was far larger than he had any right to be, he let her go; released her as though he hadn't been hurting her at all, as if he weren't even tanning her hide.

Wordlessly, she gaped up a thim.

"There." Her fellow Moon Cancer hummed. "That should be punishment enough for you, I think. The Grail seems to agree."

Aghast, BB wriggled free, only to find herself a mere shadow of her former self.

Her head barely came up to his chest at that!

"What did you do?" the softness-highness!-of her own voice startled the young AI more than words ever could. "What did you do to me?!"

A bandaged hand descended, idly mussing her hair as she fidgeted restless in her new white sundress, glowering all the while.

"Oh, quit bawling. Its only temporary. I'm terribly sorry about this, but the Moon is under new management."

Whistling softly to himself, the Moon Cancer set off.

"Right, then! Let the Games begin!"

**A/N: Once more, this will be gone in_ two days _if folks don't like it...**

**...I do hope people like it.**

**Naruto basically used his authority to make BB a kid and swiped her authority-as well as the Sakura Five-from her. Obviously BB won't stay as such, but the idea itseld**

**Clearly the pairing centers around BB and her copies. Kiara will be here of course, but I feel that she deserves her own tale...in A Most Unlikely Saver. **

** So tired...working a double sucks, and I'll be working it again by the time you read this. Still...**

** Ta-da~!**

**Felt good to get this off the ground again, though my attention has been focused of Game of Thrones and Fate Stay Night as of late. I'll do my best to keep up with everything, don't you worry! After all, reviews are water to my wine, and hearing from you wonderful people keeps the creative juices flowing.**

**So in the Immortal Words of Atlas...**

**...Review Would You Kindly?**

**And enjoy the previews!**

**Potential ones at that.**

**(Previews)**

_Protea beamed._

_"I like you. You're nice."_

_Naruto absolutely sputtered._

* * *

_"Ha! I win! Now you have to obey-_

_"No." he countered. "I won't. I absolutely refuse."_

_"Eh?" Meltlilith sputtered. "Hey! Wait! What do you mean, you refuse?!"_

_"Exactly what I said. I don't recognize you as any master of mine. Now scoot."_

* * *

_"Will the two of you,"_

_A hand seized each of them by the head._

_"Stop acting like complete and utter, good for nothing,"_

_His palms jerked them forward and smashed their heads together with a loud gong noise.** "CHILDREN!"**_

**R&R~!**


	2. A Most Unlikely Family (Interlude)

**A/N: And the daily updates continue!**

** So very tired...**

**I'm on the Fifth Singularity now and from what I've heard about the sixth, I'm positively dreading Camelot and Babylonia. At this rate, I'm going to rapidly run out of content to play; given that I haven't even been playing for a month yet, and that makes me a sad boy. I'm rather curious about the Lostbelts, but from what I've seen we won't be getting those for a AWHILE. Which sucks, given how many intense Servants they have locked behind those.**

**Still holding onto my Four Star Ticket for now, can't decide who to use it on. Gorgon, Fran, or even Nitocris, decisions, decisions...**

**Anyways, sorry if this is short. I'm having health issues and whatnot.**

**Next few chapters will be longer and not interludes.**

**Also felt that Protea deserved her own chapter.**

**As ever, I own no references or quotes.**

**Not a thing, not a thing~!**

_"I know a thing or two about cages. Never liked them myself."_

_"Wait, you can't just break the rules like that, its not-_

_"Can. Am. Did. Consider this your jailbreak."_

_~Moon Cancer._

**A Most Unlikely Family (Interlude)**

_How long had she been trapped here?_

It had been so long now. So very, very, very long. Days. Months. Years? She could no longer recall. She couldn't even turn her head to look out at the endless blue expanse surrounding her on all sides; such was her size; such were the bars of the cage that held her. For all her strength and power, shew as powerless as newborn in this gilded coffin. She'd been made too large, too powerful, too almighty from composite goddesses and so, in her fear, Mother had sealed her away. Left her here to rot. There was nothing she could do about it.

She was helpless.

Wholly, utterly powerless here.

Unable to do anything but sit and stare at her feet, bandaged knees tucked into her chest. Forced to spend her days in slumber, brief bouts of wakefulness only interrupting her perpetual slumber once every cycle. There would be no visits here, no social interaction, no conversations that she so craved. Only perpetual, endless silence. Dreams were her only solace and even then they were only ever fleeting; a few sweet seconds of freedom scattered among the pleasant numbness of slumber.

So it came as something of a surprise, yes, quite the surprise indeed, when King Protea opened her eyes and found someone sitting at her feet.

"Well, hello there." a young man's voice reached her ears.

Protea blinked rapidly.

Once.

Thrice.

Five times did her eyes flutter in confusion before she realized that, no, her mind wasn't playing tricks on her. There was actually someone here. On the far side of the moon. It wasn't Mother-wasn't BB, wasn't the one she hated more than anything, wasn't the one who sealed her away-but she could feel Mother's power thrumming through his body. Her authority, subsumed by this strangest of strangers. She couldn't bring herself to speak, or even understand what was happening; she could only gape at this tiny creature that had somehow slipped between the bars of her cage.

"I hope I'm not bothering you," said stranger drawled as he climbed back to his feet, "Its just, you looked so peaceful. Didn't want to disturb you, ya know?"

Protea tilted her head.

She found herself gazing down at a young man with bright blue eyes, blond hair, and whiskered cheeks. Clad in strange robes, he nevertheless raised a hand to wave up at her and she timidly returned the gesture. Shock still had her senses by the throat; as such she couldn't bring herself to respond properly beyond that. Thankfully, the stranger was more than happy enough to do that for the giantess.

"Right, then." he smacked a fist into an open palm, "I'll be blunt. The name's Naruto. I'm here to break you out."

Protea beamed.

"I like you. You're nice."

Naruto absolutely sputtered. "Well, thank you! Now, then."

But in the same breath, she told him the truth; what he'd just said...it was impossible. No one could break these bars. She didn't know how he'd managed to usurp BB and steal her authority for herself, but she had made these bars unbreakable, even for herself. There was no conceivable way that a Servant, no matter how powerful, could possibly do anything about them. Nothing short of a Grand Servant could even hope to put a dent in these bars and...wait. Why was he smiling? Almost like he knew something she didn't?

That didn't make any sense.

There couldn't BE a Grand Servant here on the Moon. It wasn't feasibly possible Grand Servants were a cut above the rest. They were a class unto themselves. True heroes from days of yore, meant to hunt anomalies; a force that threatened the earth, or humanity, or what passed for humanity or...

In a sense, the Moon Cell _was _humanity, wasn't it? BB's mad machinations had threatened it in no small way. Which meant...!

"I know a thing or two about cages." Naruto harrumphed. "Never liked them myself."

"Wait, you can't just break the rules like that, its not-

"Can. Am. Did. Consider this your jailbreak."

Something clicked in the back of Protea's brain as she watched the brash blond roll up his sleeve. In the same moment he swung forward. His arm didn't move. It _blurred_ into one of the great gilded golden bars of her foul cage and struck it with a sonorous gong. The result was nothing short of spectacular. For her cage did not crumble; it shattered, burst and and flew apart in every conceivable direction. Despite herself, the giantess fought down a flinch and squinted against the sudden surge of light.

Her hands flew to her mouth, only then did Protea realize she could move.

Just like that, the world opened its arms to her.

Everything was so...bright.

Naruto only beamed.

_"Let's go, then~!"_

**A/N: Gao~!**

**And there we go, jailbreak for King Protea. Her mere presence is sure to wreak havoc on the Moon Cell. That's the intention, of course. No one ever said Moon Cancer!Naruto was the **

**Once more, this will be gone in_ two days _if folks don't like it...**

**...I do hope people like it.**

**Naruto basically used his authority to make BB a kid and swiped her authority-as well as the Sakura Five-from her. Obviously BB won't stay as such, but the idea itseld**

**Clearly the pairing centers around BB and her copies. Kiara will be here of course, but I feel that she deserves her own tale...in A Most Unlikely Saver. **

** So tired...working a double sucks, and I'll be working it again by the time you read this. Still...**

** Ta-da~!**

**Felt good to get this off the ground again, though my attention has been focused of Game of Thrones and Fate Stay Night as of late. I'll do my best to keep up with everything, don't you worry! After all, reviews are water to my wine, and hearing from you wonderful people keeps the creative juices flowing.**

**So in the Immortal Words of Atlas...**

**...Review Would You Kindly?**

**And enjoy the previews!**

**Potential ones at that.**

**(Previews)**

_"What do we have here? I didn't think it was possible for someone like you to worm your way into the system. It weakened you, didn't it?" circling him, this discarded wraith, this fragment, he looked almost like a shark. It was a smile on his face to be sure, but it looked decidedly predatory. "Oh, you poor thing. If you'd just let me help you-_

_Beast snarled and slapped his hand away. __"NO! Never?! Just because I'm weaker doesn't make you any stronger, faker! You're weak! You can't kill me! So just shut up and be absorbed like a good boy-_

_Moon merely tilted his head. __A shadow loomed larger over them. _

_"Protea?"_

_"Yes, darling~?"_

_He flicked a lone finger forward. "SMASH."_

_Beast swore softly. "You shitty little-_

_Then he she kicked him._

* * *

_"How long are you going to keep me like this?!"_

_If her captor had a response to give her, he didn't seem keen on offering it up to BB. Much to her chagrin, he'd taken her authority and gone right to work restarting the Holy Grail War. By itself, that shouldn't have been overly concerning. But he'd stolen enough of her functions to know what she'd been getting up to. So long as she lived, Hakuno wouldn't be deleted. That mattered...and yet..._

_BB puffed out her cheeks in a childish-fitting, given her temporary appearance-fit of defiance and refused to be swayed. "Lolicon!"_

_"WHAT?!"_

* * *

_...why am I putting up with you lot again? Oh, right. I'm a masochist."_

_"Wait, but that implies that you're just as-_

_BONK!_

_"I'm sorry, what was that?"_

_...nothing."_

**R&R~!**


End file.
